Since this post is something that’s been on my mind for awhile, the content here isn’t particularly light. As another warning, this is copied more or less straight from my journal and took about 4 hours of sitting to write, so the train of thought may do more wandering and be less composed than usual. Or not.

Su 3 May 2015                                   Resurrect Art Coffee House, Seward, AK

My timing for listening to Paper Towns sure ended up being something else. All the lines about leaving a place that matters, how good leaving feels, paper towns and people, etc. spoke to me just as much on the 2nd as the 1st reading.

This is the type of self-explorational rambling that I don’t necessarily want to share, but I think I need to. It seems like maybe writers are more successful when they just put themselves out there. Since sometimes I feel like conservatives are very judgmental, my family likely won’t appreciate some of my more current views.

That’s where this stems from, in a way. When Teri and I had a 2+ hour conversation while I was still in California, I asked if she thinks I’m one to hide my emotions or thoughts. That’s not exactly how I’d put it, but I can’t remember the exact words now. In order to get to know me or my opinions, I think people have to ask the right questions and spend a fair bit of time around me. I’m an open book with regards to my interests and passions, but I’m not one to start discussions on potentially controversial topics. Avoiding controversy is just part of my personality; I’d rather we just all get along and let each other have their own views. Teri says she had to keep coming to my room to do homework in the quiet in order to get to a friendship. I’m glad she was persistent!

Anyway, this all links to the paper concept because I seem to have practically created 2 lives for myself. On the one side I have my conservative family to get along with and on the other there are my liberal co-workers in the wildlife and ecology fields. A lot of the time it seems like they’re at complete odds with each other, which pretty much leaves me in the middle.

When I’m home and around extended family, I hear complaints about the current liberal administration all the time. Most of my family doesn’t really believe all of the climate change talk, nor are they particularly in favor of gay marriage. Christianity is a key part of family life.

When I’m in the field working, I hear (a) jokes made about conservatives and (b) relief to have Obama in office. Everyone believes climate change is happening, and comments are always made regarding the intelligence of people like my family members. Everyone is happy about the growth of gay marriage. Christianity is often disrespected, leaving evolution in charge of the scientific world.

That leaves me to do what? For my life, that sometimes feels like the $1 million question. It often seems like it’s family vs. passion, family Steph vs. wildlife Steph, or who I’ve been in front of my family vs. who I am in front of co-workers. I have to act as if I hold certain beliefs for each side. Generally if a controversial subject comes up, I try to tune out; otherwise I’m my usual happy self in camp.

So where do I actually stand at my core? There is a real Steph shown just to understanding friends. I try to avoid politics because, honestly, no politician does what (s)he’ll claim to do. Politicians are just big kids who can’t stop arguing. I have a conservative base, but I can probably say I tend towards being libertarian. (Since I barely can define each of these factions, that’s my best guess.) I do know I’m completely fed up with our failed health care system. Based on what I’ve seen and heard – mostly in Alaska – something wonky is going on with climate patterns. I don’t think humans are totally at fault or that the world is going to flood from it, though. When it comes to gay marriage, I’ll say that I don’t think it is how we’re meant to be, but I’m not going to tell people they can’t do it. (Human bodies were designed for a man and woman to fit and be capable of reproduction, and Adam was given Eve.) Lastly, although I don’t make it to church often, I’m still a Christian and believe we all got here through Creation. Yes, natural selection keeps adapting organisms to conditions, but we didn’t develop from primordial slime or come into being through a bang.

So that’s me. If I were to acknowledge all that at home, I’m pretty sure I’d be judged to some extent and my family would feel like the other side had won me over. If I were to acknowledge all that in the field, I think people would lose some respect for me. Maybe future researchers would be less interested in hiring someone who is clearly not a pure scientist. But maybe by not really opening up to share with anyone, I’m just hurting myself. By wanting to prevent awkward moments with others, I’ve created a strange dilemma inside myself. I know the true me, but some others know a ‘flimsy’ version of me.

What I was saying about that chat with Teri could maybe be better put this way: I’ve made myself independent enough that I don’t give people much time to get to know me. By working seasonal jobs I always have the chance to move on. Because I always enjoy the times we’ve had and the people themselves, leaving hurts. I’ve found I need to start pulling down tents, “deconstructing” camp, and packing before my brain can realize what I’m doing. I have to leave like I’m ripping off a Band-Aid. Because once the sadness of packing and saying goodbyes is over and “home” is only visible beyond the boat’s wake, in the rearview mirror, or from the plane’s window… there’s only forward as “I just keep leaving places, and leaving them, and leaving them, tramping a perpetual journey.” (- John Green again) I can part ways with my field crews knowing we had a great summer and that the same summer can never be replicated. The only plus side to leaving is knowing I won’t need to sit through another political discussion for awhile. When we pack up camp, we pull life out by the roots, as Green puts it. I can move on to meet more people, maybe one day finding one more like me.

My upbringing makes me different enough that my opinions don’t necessarily completely mesh with those of co-workers, so I keep them to myself. Wildlife work and the outdoors are my perfect field, but my friends out there don’t know me the same way town friends might. I don’t know if it’s time to let someone in on this or not, as I just don’t want to create different dynamics at home or work. This is why dogs are the best companions.

Okay, I think it’s time to be off to Homer. Woohoo!

Now from beautiful Homer and the randomly located US Fish & Wildlife bunkhouse, a few final thoughts… I’ve never been one to express myself, choosing instead to just listen to others’ opinions. Being more of a listener lets me get away with keeping thoughts to myself. I bet that’s why I can get along with people so often. I like people for who they are more than what they believe, which is why I always have fun in the field – despite the differing views.